In Search of Magic

I have a lifelong relationship with magic. Most of which has been hunting to create it, to cultivate the right ingredients for it’s spontaneous arrival. Magic is what I call the timeless experience of feeling expansive and light.  I experience it as pleasurable waves of sensation that roam through my body and lead to a state of bliss.  My mood is light and smiling in response to the sensation of magic present in the moment. You know that feeling when everything just keeps going right, the way things fall into place…? The feeling right after those events line up…the smiling breath as you exhale, the sense of support and connection? That is magic.  Magic is the moment of orgasm when you cease to exist and your circuits are overwhelmed with pleasure and time stops.  Magic is the moment two stranger's eyes connect, and unlike a million other times they may have kept going, they can't look away.  The spark that draws them together, the stretching of time between glances…that is magic. When a sun ripened nectarine is perfectly juicy and sweet and you can’t help but pause to savor the exquisiteness of nature.  Magic.

While magic is not solely connected to pleasure for me, they are often related. In order to feel pleasure one must be present.  If you are in your head thinking about the day, things to do, the dishes in the sink, you are not giving your senses full power to feel the pleasure around you.  So to feel pleasure we must let go of our busy planning mind and take deep breaths.  Ground into the moment, here and now.  Notice the feel of the air around your skin.  What do you smell?  How does it feel to breathe in and out?  Imagine there is nowhere to go and nothing to do. When you slow down to the present moment it’s a magnet for magic.  Magic comes hurtling at you so fast the mind can’t process the pleasure fast enough and I find myself in a state of bliss.

For the past 8 years I have been living in San Francisco, one of the most beautiful cities in the world.  The Bay area is a hub of hustle bustle, creative ideas, boundary pushing edginess, art and culture. I have experienced incredible adventures. I built a business that feels unique and in integrity with my beliefs. Somewhere along the way I became more and more “busy” with running a business and my ambition for success.  My regular daily practice of meditation, yoga, breath work, art, dance and energy work began to get smaller and smaller.  Where once I spent 5 hours a day in practice it eventually became 20-30 minutes.  And with the diminishing time I spent in reflection and self love there was an increase in poor diet choices (hello white sugar) and a Netflix addiction.  I began to use foods and movies to decompress my mind after insanely busy work days so I could wake up and do it all over again.  After a few years it seemed daunting to return to my days of long morning practices.  If I was present and slower I couldn't possibly get all the things done I needed to for my business success.  And so the feeling of magic begin to fade from my life.

Then one day I started spending more time outside.  At first it was just a short hike up the hills overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge.  I made a conscious choice to unwind myself from the majority of social happenings. I stopped going to all the potlucks, parties, dances, art openings, underground wrestling (yep, that’s a thing in Oakland) Kirtan sing-alongs and the many mini-workshops and classes that used to fill my days.  Instead I spent my days off with an empty schedule and no one to hang out with. I would take myself into nature and sit under a tree and breathe.  Just breathe. Maybe take a nap. Pick up a book of fiction and spend 3 hours reading about exciting adventures and epic romance. I started to feel relaxed and open.  I returned to my altar, a sacred space carved out of my living room for candles, incense, crystals and inspiring art.  I began to sit in meditation again. And stretch my body and move energy.  Magic started tingling throughout my system as I dedicated more and more time to feeling it.  Because that is really all we are doing when we slow down, practicing mindfulness with intention… We are allowing what is already there, the magic, to be felt. It never leaves us.  We leave it.  We distract ourselves with ambition, success, worry, fear, desire and hunger.  When I slowed down and listened, magic came rushing up to greet me, “I’ve missed you! Where have you been?! I’ve been waiting right here. So excited you're back!”  There is a constant stream of love and blissful contentment that flows when I am truly present in the moment.  

Two months ago I made a big decision. I had to move out of my amazing house that I have loved living in for 4 years. After months of searching for the next new home to ground into and not finding it, I realized that I was experiencing a lot of struggle.  I believe that life flows easily when we surrender to the grace and let our hearts direct us instead of our minds.  When we don’t listen, and push our ego’s agenda, we often find ourselves in struggle. So I spent more time in nature.  I spent time teaching workshops and holding space for others, and I received clarity: Time to travel Miss Apple! Time to let go and flow.  I could feel magic flare up and flood my being when I made this decision. It’s not just the feeling of magic that I am striving towards.  It’s the state of consciousness that magic exists in.  

At first I had all these ideas of what I was going to do on my trip.  “I’m going to teach and uplift the world!” “I’m going to write another book!” (My body beginning to tense and contract) “I’m going to- WOAH, ok, hello ambition!” I took a deep breath, relaxed into present time, let go of everything and…Magic flared, my whole body relaxed and I instantly felt expansive and free. I thought to myself, “I’m in search of magic.”  All the ways it shows up and how I can cultivate a life full of present moment freedom and love. Traveling is one of the best ways I know to let go of patterns, conditioning and beliefs. With an intention to feel, find, cultivate, and be magic in every moment, I am setting out into the world on a year-long adventure.  

My mission is to be in the moment and enjoy the magic that flows in all it’s forms, such as nourishing food, epic vistas, incredible nature, connecting with people, learning about different cultures, making love with full heart-opening presence, dancing to different rhythms and radiating my pleasure all the time. An uninhibited, embodied, pulsing, powerful, smiling, love-emitting woman that is saying YES with every cell to the adventure that awaits on my search for magic.